Mr. Bill's Lament

"Ghost Riding The Whip" Officially Enters Mainstream

I never thought I'd see a group of suburban teenagers in a decent neighborhood "ghost riding the whip" at five-thirty in the evening, but that's exactly what I saw yesterday. It was one of those Honda Elements too, those real boxy jobs. Not my kind of car, but still, it was new and certainly not something a responsible person would ghost ride.

But I won't lie to you. Those boys ghost rode the hell out of that whip. There were four of these dudes, all about sixteen or seventeen years old. Straight ghostin'. They kept jumping in and out of the moving car, bumping that E-40 jam we all love so much, doing some crazy ass dance shit. There was even a little curly-haired one who did a crip dance on the hood, had me laughing pretty good. Reckless youth, beautiful youth. We were ghost riders once... and young.

I'll tell you, I was certain one of the four teenagers would be seriously hurt, but they all got away unscathed and basically came out of the whole affair looking cool as hell. I guess they dodged a bullet this time. But even if these guys happen to be remarkably talented at ghost riding the whip, the dangers of a pedestrian being hurt are simply too great to screw around with this sort of thing.

It was pretty awesome, though.

This is why it's dangerous

This is why it's cool

Hillary Clinton "Called Out" By Sinbad

Hillary Clinton has been called to task by none other than Sinbad. This is not going away, Senator Clinton. Here's an excerpt from the New York Times:

The Clinton campaign says Senator Hillary Clinton may have “misspoke” recently when she said she had to evade sniper fire when she was visiting Bosnia in 1996 as first lady.

She has been using the episode as an example of her foreign policy bona fides.
“I certainly do remember that trip to Bosnia, and as Togo said, there was a saying around the White House that if a place was too small, too poor, or too dangerous, the president couldn’t go, so send the First Lady,” she said last week. “That’s where we went. I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.”

But her account has been challenged, first by Sinbad, the comedian, who traveled with her, and then by news organizations, most notably the Washington Post, which awarded her four “Pinnochios” which it gives for major “whoppers.”

read the rest of article here

I think Hillary should just hand it over to Obama at this point. Sinbad has called her out.

A Hero, Interrupted

When I first came across this news item, it was an uplifting human interest story. This is what I read:

Boy Falls Through Ice; Dog Gets Help
POSTED: 3:29 pm EDT March 23, 2008
NOVI, Mich. -- A 13-year-old boy has his dog to thank for his rescue after falling through thin ice into the frigid waters of a pond in Novi.
According to Novi police, the boy and his dog were walking in the area of Haggerty Road and Nine Mile Road when both fell into the water.
The dog was able to escape, police said, and make its way back to the house and alert adults.
A dive team from the Marine Division of the Oakland County Sheriff's Office was able to rescue the boy.
They estimate the boy spent at least a half-hour in the water.
He was taken to Botsford Hospital in Farmington Hills and later transferred to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak.

That's a hell of a dog, right? Reminds me of the song "Old Shep" as sung by Jimmy Dean. Makes you feel all warm inside. Man's best friend, indeed.

Then came the update a few hours later...

Boy Dies After Fall Through Ice
POSTED: 3:29 pm EDT March 23, 2008
UPDATED: 10:27 pm EDT March 23, 2008
NOVI, Mich. -- A 13-year-old Westland boy died Sunday after falling through thin ice into the frigid waters of Village Oaks Lake in Novi, despite efforts made by his dog to help rescue him.
According to Novi police, the boy was walking his dog across lake in the area of Meadowbrook Road and 10 Mile Road.
Both the boy and his dog fell through the ice and into the water, but the dog was able to escape and make its way back to the house and alert adults, police said.

A dive team from the Marine Division of the Oakland County Sheriff's Office recovered the boy's body at around 2:04 p.m.
He was pronounced dead at 6:22 p.m. at William Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak.

Well shit. If you're still questioning whether or not life sucks, look no further than this news item. A young boy is dead, parents are in mourning, and a dog's heroism is certain to be overlooked. It's a cold night in Michigan, friends.

read news item

Caitlin Hill

This is Caitlin Hill of Australia, I guess she's somewhat of a YouTube celebrity. This is her reaction to the notorious 2 Girls 1 Cup video. She's pretty adorable, don't you think? My hat's off to whoever's hittin' it out in The World. If I were the man I was ten years ago, I'd take a flame thrower to them drawls. I'd also let my friends smell my finger afterward.

We were hellions, weren't we? Rowdy, randy, rambunctious as hell... but home when the streetlights came on. We were good kids.

How To Avoid Crying At Work

We've all seen the person who loses control of her emotions and breaks down crying at work, haven't we? Well here's a great article about how to keep yourself from becoming that person. It's really for those who have yet to learn that there's simply no crying in baseball. That's a hard lesson for many women who have grown accustomed to communicating on a strictly emotional level after years of manipulating men that way. Don't fucking act like that's sexist, either. Just for once let's drop the charade, shall we? There are no secrets here. By and large it's women doing this shit, and you know it. The only reason you're trying to act offended is to make yourself look good by making me look bad. I know the score. Save it for the Rotary Club. What a bunch of assholes.

****

Anyway, here's your "how to avoid crying at work" list:

1. Focus your breathing. Take deep breaths, blah blah blah. The argument is that if you're concentrating on breathing you'll stop concentrating on crying.
2. Take a step back. Give yourself a cooling off period.
3. Cauterize your tear ducts. Hardy fucking har. They thought this was cute, I guess.
4. Distract yourself with pain. This is some crazy shit. Bitch is trying to tell you to bite the inside of your cheek or scratch your palm as deeply as you can to get your mind off what's bothering you emotionally. Sounds like some janky ass advice to me, but what do I know? I don't have this problem.
5. Use props. Play with a pen or a pad of paper. Fiddle with stuff. No shit?
6. Let yourself get angry. This is why many women act like bitches at work. They're channeling their emotions in the direction of anger by way of despair. They actually feel like crying. Next time you're getting bitched out by one of these chickenheads, just keep on the offensive. She'll eventually start crying, and then you win.
7. Try behavioral modification. This is a loaded one. It's basically saying "physician, heal thyself." Way to slip the hardest one in the middle, lady.
8. Do it for somebody else. Do it for the kids.
9. Forge ahead. Just keep going when you feel that lump in your throat. Maybe it'll go away. You never know. Maybe you'll just do that weird stuttering-breathing thing people do when they cry.
10. Just ignore it. This is the part where she's trying to act all casual while she's breaking down and her facial muscles start twitching and shit. It's weird when this happens, but there's something I find uncomfortably funny about it, too. Can't ignore it-- you're crying, bitch.
11. Deflect with a white lie. Crap like "no, I just have something in my eye," or "do your allergies give you trouble this time of year, too?" If you ask me, this kind of stuff doesn't fool anyone and just adds to the cryer's humiliation.
12. Be honest and direct. This directly contradicts Rule 11, but since when do women make a lick of goddamn sense?

You know, the author really could have condensed this into a much shorter list. Something like this:

1. Stop being such a pussy.

A Small Amount of Common Sense Could Have Avoided This Tragedy

Did you hear about the guy who was recently sentenced to 4 to 5 years in prison because he gave a loaded gun to his suicidal friend in order to "call her bluff?" Of course you didn't. You clowns never read anything. I guess the suicidal friend was talking a whole lot of shit about how she was going to end her life and this prick handed her a 9mm Beretta and told her to prove it.

She said, "I'm going to do it, and you're going to watch," then killed herself right in front of him. He says he was "stunned."

They found him guilty of involuntary manslaughter, friends. 4 to 5 in the fuckin' clink. I'm no lawyer, but it doesn't seem right to me. The guy was certainly guilty of being an asshole, but manslaughter? I don't think so... and thank heavens being an asshole isn't a hanging crime.

In the final analysis, this woman killed herself. The guy was no doubt being a huge prick and offered her no convincing reason to stay in The World of the living, but is it fair to say he caused her death? I don't think it is. We do have free will, don't we? If we don't, I didn't get the memo. Somebody forgot to tell me. We still have choices in this World after all, you fucking cocksuckers.

Speaking of choices, you know how I think it would have been way cooler? If when she was feeling down and depressed as hell and this bastard started in with his macho bullshit...

"Empty threats, empty threats! That's all I'm hearing..."

"You have no idea the way I'm feeling. No one would even miss me. I swear to God I'll do it!"

"Oh you'll do it? You'll do it? We ridin' dirty now? We ridin' dirty? I don't believe you. Show me we ridin' dirty."

He hands her the loaded Beretta. She takes it with trembling hands. She doesn't know what ridin' dirty means, but she is determined to show him.

"I'm going to do it, and you're going to watch" is all she can muster. With a deep breath, she raises the gun to her temple.

"You ain't got the balls. You can't do anything right. You just talk a big--"

In the space of a second, her demeanor changes. She suddenly flicks the weapon away from her head and turns it on the man. He shuts the fuck up real fast.

"Motherfucker, this is MY time. You need to sit your monkey ass the fuck down. If what you really want to see is The Bitch, I can show you The Bitch. Is that what you want to see?

He struggles to stay strong, to continue to get in her head, to hold on to his shitty pimp's dignity. He tries to hide his fear with false bravado.

"Yeah. Yeah, show me The Bitch."

BLAM!

The hot round splits his stupid head like a melon. Blood splashes the walls. He dies fast and easy, quick and without ceremony, and no one will ever hear his stupid voice again.

"How you like me now? How you like The Bitch?! Never test me, motherfucker. Never, never test me."

**So upon reading the news article more closely, I see that when the guy first handed her the gun, the weapon misfired. He then reloaded with fresh ammo and handed her the pistol a second time! So my scenario of her turning the gun on him would have backfired on her big time, I guess. Oh well, get 'em next time, tiger.

But Christ! His story about thinking she was bluffing was pure shit, this is one evil bastard. He's lucky he only got four years. And it turns out the gun was her father's Beretta that the old man had sold to the prick years earlier. So this sick bastard gave her her father's gun to shoot herself with because he probably wanted her to do it and he wanted to watch and he wanted to fuck with her head. Boy oh boy, how this World is a rotten place. And my reading comprehension skills are not so good.

But you need to worry about yourself, motherfucker. Don't worry about my reading comprehension skills.