How To Avoid Crying At Work

We've all seen the person who loses control of her emotions and breaks down crying at work, haven't we? Well here's a great article about how to keep yourself from becoming that person. It's really for those who have yet to learn that there's simply no crying in baseball. That's a hard lesson for many women who have grown accustomed to communicating on a strictly emotional level after years of manipulating men that way. Don't fucking act like that's sexist, either. Just for once let's drop the charade, shall we? There are no secrets here. By and large it's women doing this shit, and you know it. The only reason you're trying to act offended is to make yourself look good by making me look bad. I know the score. Save it for the Rotary Club. What a bunch of assholes.

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Anyway, here's your "how to avoid crying at work" list:

1. Focus your breathing. Take deep breaths, blah blah blah. The argument is that if you're concentrating on breathing you'll stop concentrating on crying.
2. Take a step back. Give yourself a cooling off period.
3. Cauterize your tear ducts. Hardy fucking har. They thought this was cute, I guess.
4. Distract yourself with pain. This is some crazy shit. Bitch is trying to tell you to bite the inside of your cheek or scratch your palm as deeply as you can to get your mind off what's bothering you emotionally. Sounds like some janky ass advice to me, but what do I know? I don't have this problem.
5. Use props. Play with a pen or a pad of paper. Fiddle with stuff. No shit?
6. Let yourself get angry. This is why many women act like bitches at work. They're channeling their emotions in the direction of anger by way of despair. They actually feel like crying. Next time you're getting bitched out by one of these chickenheads, just keep on the offensive. She'll eventually start crying, and then you win.
7. Try behavioral modification. This is a loaded one. It's basically saying "physician, heal thyself." Way to slip the hardest one in the middle, lady.
8. Do it for somebody else. Do it for the kids.
9. Forge ahead. Just keep going when you feel that lump in your throat. Maybe it'll go away. You never know. Maybe you'll just do that weird stuttering-breathing thing people do when they cry.
10. Just ignore it. This is the part where she's trying to act all casual while she's breaking down and her facial muscles start twitching and shit. It's weird when this happens, but there's something I find uncomfortably funny about it, too. Can't ignore it-- you're crying, bitch.
11. Deflect with a white lie. Crap like "no, I just have something in my eye," or "do your allergies give you trouble this time of year, too?" If you ask me, this kind of stuff doesn't fool anyone and just adds to the cryer's humiliation.
12. Be honest and direct. This directly contradicts Rule 11, but since when do women make a lick of goddamn sense?

You know, the author really could have condensed this into a much shorter list. Something like this:

1. Stop being such a pussy.