Certain Smells

I'll let you clowns in on a little tip. If you're looking to score with the ladies, you have to stimulate her senses. You can't expect to sweep her off her feet with a cool one-liner, contrary to what most of you ridiculous assholes probably think. Studies have shown that certain smells can be very powerful sexual triggers. For instance, the scent of cucumber mixed with the scent of Good & Plenty candy proved to be a huge aphrodisiac for women. There's something about the mixture of those two aromas that makes women horny and uninhibited, which is how men like them to be.

But don't take my word for it, since I know you'll want proof anyway. Here's the Google results for "Good & Plenty" cucumber

And yes, I put this one to the test myself. And yes, it was a resounding success. I'll go ahead and also tell you that I could have been even more successful, but I'm deathly afraid of herpes and I've made it this far in life without being burned, so I'm thinking my number may be up and have therefore been extra cautious. Too cautious.

But I did buy myself some soap from Bath & Body Works called "freshwater cucumber" and applied it generously while washing my hands-- working it to a nice lather to really let the smell soak in. I did this every time I washed my hands throughout the day (which was a lot). I also bought three boxes of Good & Plenty, and made it a point to always keep a handful in my pocket so I could munch on them as I went about my normal daily routine out in The World.

Sure enough, not even two o' clock in the afternoon, some older woman who looked like she definitely had herpes literally threw herself all over me, getting all up in my grill and shit, trying to ask me about Barack Obama and if I knew he smoked cigarettes. I could have had this woman. Easily. The only reason I didn't is because it would have been what's called a Fool's Mate in chess. It's a victory that speaks more of your opponent's inexperience than it does of your own mastery. Plus she had herpes.

Maybe I'm being too cautious and I missed out on some primo poon tang, but I doubt it. It was the comedian Doug Stanhope who said, "I am a player in this life, not a spectator. Herpes to me is like a skateboarder with a skinned knee." I wish I could be that cavalier about The Herps, but I can't do it. It frightens me, big time. I'm still a player, though. Fuck yourself, Stanhope.