Ownage-- When Gay Emos Attack

I can see this emo kid becoming a transexual prostitute in the future. There's a certain edginess beneath his gayness, I could just see it. The fat girl feels strong in the beginning of the vid, she acts really obnoxious and mean. Boy, does she get taken down a peg or two. Owned.

Fitness Made Simple

What is it with this guy John Basedow? He has this business called Fitness Made Simple, I guess he's some kind of fitness guru. But look at this wiry bastard. If you're going to talk me into working out, this Basedow body cannot be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I would rather be an out-of-shape mush than have a Basedow body. He looks too sinewy, reminds me of a piece of beef jerky. What's with his head? It looks like it doesn't belong on his body. How did this person become successful? Don't tell me hard work. How old is he anyway? This bastard just rubs me wrong, it goes beyond simply hating his weird-looking body. I don't like his face. Or his hair. Or his attitude. But I really hate that goddamn theme song from the Fitness Made Simple commercials...

Here's John Basedow,

and he's gonna show you how

to reach your potential

and turn your whole life around!

It's Fitness Made Simple,

Made for real people.

It's Fitness Made Simple,

It's changing real lives.

Illegitimate Son

Meet Cliff Morrison. His real name is Cliff Marsden, but he decided to take his father's name. His father is Jim Morrison, lead singer of the legendary rock group The Doors. Or so Cliff says, anyway.

Am I convinced? Not by a longshot. Am I intrigued? You bet your ass.

According to Cliff, he was the product of a one night stand between his mother and Jim Morrison. He says he never knew who his father was until he reached adulthood and his mother told him the truth. Jim, of course, was long dead. But that doesn't mean he can't keep rockin', because the Indian spirit that possessed Jim Morrison is now living in Cliff Morrison! That's right, the very same Indian spirit leapt into Cliff's soul, as Indian spirits are wont to do.

The plus side to all this is that now Cliff might just have a little fun on the road to excess. He's already cut one album, an out-of-print collector's item that was released overseas. I heard he went to prison after that. Don't know what for, but I heard that he was mixed up in drugs. I figured that drugs were par for the course when you're possessed by an Indian spirit, but I guess The Law wouldn't let it slide. Anyways, Cliff's out now and he's ready for business. Cliff's gonna cut another album. He opened a myspace account, which is also par for the course for Indian spirits. You can hear some of his music there too, you fucking slave. Fortunately, he's spared us from having to listen to any death poetry, as that doesn't seem to be his thing. Been there done that, I guess. Cliff's music is more bluesy retro rock. Aw hell, who am I kidding... it sounds just like The Doors if the Doors sounded like hammered shit. Give it a listen.

Bethlehem Steel

Ownage of the Day

If you're anything like me, you enjoy seeing people get owned. It's doubly hilarious when said ownage is immortalized on video and put on the internets for folks to enjoy the world over.

The Hottest Woman in The World?

Submitted for your approval, this is Melissa Theuriau, a French news anchor and possibly the hottest woman in The World.

There are also pictures available of Melissa at a nude beach frolicking around topless. I'd post those, but this isn't that kind of blog. Honestly, motherfucker. If you want to see 'em, just google her name. Some of you want me to do everything for you. I've given you this information, the name and image of the hottest woman in The World-- the least you can do is look her up yourself if you want to see her tits. Some of you are really pathetic.

I'm sure some of you are wondering if there are any fully nude pictures of Melissa Theuriau available on the internets. Some of you are real sick bastards. The answer is no, there are none that I could find, only topless ones.

The saddest thing about you people is I have to do this legwork for you when you're all perfectly capable of doing it yourselves. I'm sure now every one of you filthy jerks are seconds away from googling this broad. Some will look no further than the nude shots. These are the real scumbags. Others will also try to find a bio or something so you can consider yourselves fucking experts if she ever comes up in conversation out in The World. "Oh, Melissa Theuriau, she's wonderful. It's pronounced May-lissa, you know." I know how you do. There are no secrets here.

I'm also certain there are a few of you out there who already knew who Melissa Theuriau was. Fuck you. So you're acting all smug and superior because you're convinced you knew about her even before I did. Fuck you. Like I'm doing something bad by bringing up a hot girl you already knew about. Again, fuck you. You're just the kind of bastards I can't stand. You take the fun right out of talking about a beautiful woman. There's something wrong with every one of you. It's actually disgusting.

Separated at birth? Wil Wheaton and Rachel Maddow